true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
