Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
