Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
i think i just lost a toe
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
