You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
