i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
