He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
