I met the friendliest cop last night
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
There r osticjed everywhere
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
