There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
