we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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