his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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