Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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