I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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