You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
