we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
