he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
