Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
