ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
