ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
