eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
