it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
