May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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