dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
