my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
