he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
