I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
