the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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