Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
