I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
we should paint friendship bongs
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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