Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
