I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
