I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
