My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
