I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
i've created a new STD.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Randomize
