Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
pray to the hookup gods
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
