i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
