Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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