I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
