New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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