if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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