before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
