I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
