whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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