can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
