Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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