All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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