On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just cropdusted the office
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
