we have pet lesbian snakes
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
