I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
