i jhust puked up my retainher.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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