my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
