ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
