hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
