I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
