Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
